Speaking My Mind

Well as of the 8/1/08 I have been dating this guy named Christopher.
I knew him very little when we first started dating,but now I'm learning more and more about him as we go on longer and longer.Chris lives in London,and I live in the US.We have never met,but we started to love each other before that.That has to count for something.To be able to love through a long distance,and never get the urge to cheat,or cheat period!
I love him so much.I've been looking for a guy to love,and be happy with.I think I've found him.I may be young to be talking about this kind of stuff.But I know what I'm talking about.I've loved and lost,and matured at an early age due to moving out of my dads at 8 and living with my mom always,and always home alone.It's taught me alot.I grew up faster than people would like to think.I've been asked to get married before,and as you can see I turned them down because,now I'm with the love of my life Chris.
I have never felt the way I do for him,for anyone else.And the fact that our bond stays strong even over 2seas,and in different countries is truly saying something for me.Usually my relationships dont last long because one way or the other "someone looses interest".
But thankfully it hasnt happened between Chris and me.I hope it never does.
I love him for everything that he is.He's like Mr.Perfect to me.I see no flaws in him in my eyes,and I'm glad for that.
He's my life,and my love.I hope to one day be with him in full form.I just hope he doesnt lose interest in me like everyone else...

well here comes the love icons <3(their about how I think and feel-and want to do)

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Please stay around for forever...Because I promise to you that I will love you for the rest of my life.No crossing anything.I promise you my life!I want you around for the rest of my life,and never apart.Baby I love you,and don't ever want to bet you go.Your my true love,and my whole heart.Please don't throw that away.And don't ever walk away,and please tell me you'll stay...
I promise you that if ever the day comes(if you decide to keep me around)that I will stand up with you forever,be with you through it all,and never let you fell.Even if saving you sends me to heaven...I promise you my heart and soul last only for you now and forever.If ever the day comes and you ask one question.I wont hesitate.I may look at you with joy and cry with happiness.But I will not hesitate.I will answer yes,from the depths of my heart,to the tip top.I will always love you no matter what.

Perfect hair
Perfect body
Perfect friends
Perfect family
By one look at her anyone would think-perfect
She hangs out with the coolest crowds
She doesnt follow the trends, she starts them
Her smile can make you weak
All the guys love her
All the girls want to be just like her
But though she may have 'perfect' hair
A 'perfect' body
'Perfect' friends
And a 'perfect' family
If you look into her eyes
You will see pure sadness
All of her perfection
Is a true coverup
To hide her pain
She hates her life
Yet she wont admit it to herself or others
She bottles up her feelings
Because if she lets them out....
She will no longer be perfect
So she found a way to let out her emotions
She cuts
At night she crys as she holds the razor blade to her wrist
Yet no one knows about this
So everyone still finds her perfect
She will wake up in the morning
Scars on her wrists
Eyes red from crying all night
And she will look in the mirror and say-I'm Perfect
She lies to herself to keep herself going
She dresses in long sleeve shirts
And before you know it all the girls wear long sleeves
Even though it is hot outside
And when she gets home from her 'perfect' day
She lifts the sleeve on her shirt
And stares down on her scars
Stares down at the words she has carved into herself
Hate
Death
Tears
Words that no one knows she carves into her 'perfect' body
Her parents think nothing is wrong
Her mom expects her to be perfect
Her mom buys her the clothes
Says how proud she is when her 'perfect' daughter gets another 'perfect' boyfriend
But does her mom know about what her 'perfect' daughter does with that boyfriend?
He forces her to do things she doesnt want to
But how can she say no?
If she says no, then he will tell people
And she will no longer be perfect
After her boyfriend is done with her
He leaves her lying there
Leaves her to go get another girl
When he leaves
She crys
She cuts some more
Tears mix with blood
And when she is done
She gets up
Goes to the mirror
And says-I'm Perfect
Her father couldnt give a care about his 'perfect' daughter
He has been cheating on his 'perfect' wife for years now
And he once cheated on his wife with one of his 'perfect' daughters friends
And every time she sees her father leave the house
Saying he has to go work late
Hate and rage fills her 'perfect' body
She looks at her naive mother who just smiles at her 'perfect' daughter
She smiles back, her 'perfect' smile
And she goes to her room
And she crys silently
And when her mom goes to bed
She pulls the razor from its hidin place
And she carves words of hate into her arm
And when her father comes home late at night
She crys more
And when she hears her father go to bed at 5 in the morning
She gets up
Goes to the mirror
And says-I'm Perfect
None of her friends know about her secret non-perfect life
They all think and strive to be as 'perfect' as she is
They think that her relationship is the model relationship
That she is perfectly content with her 'perfect' boyfriend
They think her life is pure perfection
That she never feels any other emotion other than happiness
Little do they know that if they just lift her sleeve they will find marks of unperfection
When she starts to gain some weight
Her 'perfect' body weighing more than 106 pounds
She starves herself
She can not afford to gain weight
Because then people will know
She is not perfect
When people start to get suspicious
She eats
But later goes to the bathroom and throws up her food
And she wipes her mouth
And looks in the mirror
And says- I'm Perfect
Months of this starving life
She is skin and bones
Girls start wishing to be as skinny as she is
They think since she is 'perfect'
That the only true way to be beautiful
Is to be stick skinny.....like her
When the pain of not eating
Or eating just to throw it all up
Becomes too great
She thinks of a way to black out from the pain
She sits in her room
Folds her sleeve up
Revealing the bloody scars
And as she wraps a cloth tight around her upper arm
She gently puts the needle into her skin
She closes her eyes as she shoots up drugs
Pulling the needle out
Untying the cloth
She stands up
Wobbly
And walks over to the mirror
And says- I'm Perfect
It doesnt take long for her to become addicted
It doesnt take long for the drugs to start losing their effects
It doesnt take long for her to start stealing her parents credit cards
To buy more drugs
And soon she turns to drinking
One beer at first
No harm done
But soon she starts hiding liquor in her room
In her locker
And drinking all the time
And everytime she gets drunk
She stumbles into the bathroom
Looks into the mirror
And slurs- I'm Perfect
It doesnt take long for her to become addicted
And it doesnt take long for it to become difficult
Difficult to hide her real life
Her 'perfection' seems to dim as her weight drops
As bags form under her eyes
As she shakes whenever she isnt drinking or taking drugs
From her paranoia about life
From the way she walks
From the way she talks
Her friends start leaving
Her mom gets worried
Even her dad notices
Rumors start flying
But all the rumors are true
And one day
While she sits at home
Doing drugs
With a bottle of liquor sitting next to her
Her parents walk in
She trys to hide what she is doing
Its too late
Her mom is crying
Her dad is trying to hide his emotions
A lady
In a suit
Walks in after her parents
Takes the hand of the 'perfect' girl
And says-
Its time for you to get help
All the girl can think its
How she doesnt need help
She is 'perfect'
If she gets help
Everyone will know that she isnt 'perfect'
But the truth is
That everyone already knows
She is sent to rehab
Where she shakes all the time
Where she starts hearing voices
Telling her to get out
Telling her to cut herself
Telling her to drink
Telling her not to eat
Telling her to get her needle and shoot up her drugs
But most importantly
Telling her that she is Perfect

Perfection is not real
Perfection can not happen
Those who tell themselves that they are perfect
Those who tell others that they are perfect
Are lying
Are covering up their insecurities
They might not be heading for the same fate
But they are lying none the less
It is those of us
Who admit
That we arent perfect
In any sense of the word
That we have problems
That we mess up
That we cry
That we get angry
That our parents arent perfect
That our relationships
Arent perfect
That our friends
Arent perfect
When we admit that we arent perfect
When we admit that we have problems
We dont have to hide ourselves
We dont have to keep up an act
We can never be perfect
But we can work towards being better people
Because faked perfection
Is the farthest thing from real perfection

I found a heart of glass,
hidden among hearts of stone.

Behold the heart of glass,
never to be alone.

Admire the heart of glass,
as it glitters and it shines.

Revere the heart of glass,
glistening so divine.

So fragile is the heart of glass,
if touched it would break.

So afraid is the heart of glass,
that it would one day be foresake.

Pity the heart of glass,
as it secretly sheds barbed tears.

Ignore the heart of glass,
chipping through the years.

Cry for the heart of glass,
for it has shattered in forlorn.

Never to be reborn,
Beware a heart of glass...

Sealed up tight
Taped and boxed
Without function
Without cost
Sitting farthest from the sun
Like a child's toy abandoned
Collecting dust just out of place
Without a name without a face
The soul of me kept out of reach
In sterile captivity it sleeps
Comatose
As if someone mauled it
Stiff and frigid
As if frozen solid
Concealed inside that space confined
Never knowing love
Never being defined
Dark and inappropriate
No one cares to look for it
Or even approach it in its case
Locked away in midnight space
Sleeping for a thousand years
Through a thousand wrongs
A thousand tears
Waiting for something slight
To open this box and give it light
No one cares to break the chains
Nurture this hope
Dissolve this shame
No one cares to touch my soul
And free it from darknes's control
Fear creates them paralyzed
Afraid of what would come from inside
And so it sits a thousand years
Through darkest blame
Consumed in fear
Taped and boxed
Sealed up tight
My soul pushed farthest from the light
Collecting dust just out of place
Without love without a face
Without function
Without cost
My soul locked in Pandora's box
Forever waiting for something slight
To unlock the box and breathe me to life

-I am who I am
-But you cant handle me
-I do the best I can,
-To try and make you see...

-Im still your little girl
-Just a bit grown up
-Trying to find myself in this world,
-While keeping my head up...

-I may have changed,
-Over the years
-A new style, rearranged
-Causing you more tears...

-I can still be your little girl
-Even if I wear black
-Im growing in this world
-Its perfection, I lack...

-I cant be perfect
-I'm filled with flaws
-Im still worth it
-After all...

-I need you to love me,
-For what I can be
-Not hate me,
-For what you see...

A tourtured mind
A blackened soul
A voice so kind
Take the toll

A dark room
A shiney blade
Nothing to do
But hide in the shade

A painful night
A scream of pain
A lonely fight
The blood will drain

A shattered life
A bruised face
Take the knife
And leave this place

Fake a smile
Tell a lie
In a while
You will cry

Sewed up lips
Taped up eyes
Heart that skips
Girl that cries

Rain of red
Clouds of white
Pain instead,
of lonely fright

Scary dreams
Dont wake up
Not what it seems
Full of love

Slowly breathe
The sent of death
What you need
You've always kept

Tear filled eyes
Look so sad
Hate filled lies
Turn to bad

Watch it burn
Orange and red
It's your turn
So go ahead

Live your life
In fear of me
Take the knife
And you will see

The cuts are deep
The pain is deeper
death will creep
And find a keeper

Sing a song
Of sad good-bye's
Move along
No more lies

Tell the truth
Fix the lie
Give them proof
Of what's inside

Love is hate
Hate's the keeper
Find the place
Where hate is deeper

My heart bleeds black
because we want you back
My tears run blue
When I am really missing you
My eyes turn grey
when I remember that day
My sanity is gone
unless I hear our song
My ears always ring
because I hear you sing
I think it isn't true
that I am hearing you
I listen closer still
to find that it is real
You always made me smile
but now you've been gone awhile
Your headstone has been set
and that's what I don't get
When certain songs begin to play
your voice is never far away
Even though I do not see
you still sing with me
And even though no one hears
it still brings me to tears
So is it my mind hearing things
or is it what it seems
Do you still sing to me
can it even be
Did my heart make it so
since you had to go
Did my heart make the choice
for me to hear your voice
Or is it your way of letting me know
that you really didn't go
and we'll never really be apart
because you are in my heart

I gave you my heart
and I trusted you.
to protect it
to love it
to never let it shatter.
But you took it,
and you broke it.
Like it made no difference that I loved you.
that I needed you
that I'd bleed for you
and I'd defend you
to the end...
You appoligized,
but still,
appologizies aren't thread.
They won't sew my heart back together.
There's no use in trying.
But you handed it back to me anyway
with tears in your eyes,
and it helped.
Because I still loved you,
even without a heart...
though, I admit...
it was definitely hard...
to make myself stop crying...
I told you that you owe me one.
A new heart.
One that's not so cracked..
or patched..
or broken..
A good one.
a whole one.
And you just looked at me,
confused,
unsure of what to do.
So I took it apon myself
to fix our little problem.
I tossed you a reassuring smile,
and I ripped out your heart.
It's much bigger than mine.
I like it more.
I'd call it a fair trade.
To an extent, anyway.
if we don't account for pain.
But please, don't worry, love.
I'll take care not to break it.
Not to hurt you
like you hurt me.
Because I love you
with all my heart...
with all your heart....
And now at least I know that you're mine.
and only mine.
It get's me throught the day ?

This mask I wear,
she serves me well,
she hides my pain,
so they can't tell.

They see her smile,
never my tears,
she shows no sorrow,
she fights all my fears.

They believe she is me,
if only they knew,
that she is my mask,
my saviour too.

My scars she hides,
behind laughter and lies,
she say's she is fine,
but slowly she dies.

Because of you I'm stronger and I'm weaker
Because of you I smile more and I cry less
Because of you I know how to live and how to die
Because of you I know myself more

Your my sweetest dream and my worst nightmare
My candy coated addiction and my most sour treat
The most sugary kiss and the most bitter
My elixir and my poison
My guardian angel along with my darkest demon

My everything...and suddenly...my nothing...